By Coping with Rejection Sensitivity, or ADD ADHD Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
- What is Rejection Sensitivity or Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?
- Hypersensory and Hypersensitivity examples of people with ADD and ADHD
- My Coping Strategies for RSD
What is Rejection Sensitivity (RS) or Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) in layman’s terms is a genetic condition where the brain’s firing mechanisms are overstimulated – about 3 times more than the average human. This means that, while an average person will feel a rejection like a punch in the stomach, someone with RSD will feel a rejection like being stabbed repeatedly, and may even relive the pain of that rejection over and over for decades.
The problem with RSD is that most people don’t understand it, and will say things to a terribly upset person akin to ‘grow up’ or ‘who cares, it’s all in your head’ or ‘what doesn’t hurt you makes you stronger’ For an RSD person it makes them weaker, as the only coping strategies to constantly being stabbed by people is escape.
RSD can result in a deep distrust of humans generally, and extreme social phobia specifically. RSD will mean people won’t try to get what they need, developing a shy, overpolite attitude that agrees with everyone to make sure they don’t encounter rejection.
Attending job interviews, asking someone out on a date, bargaining at a local grocery, dealing with government departments and other situations where ‘no’ is quite likely, will prevent those from RSD from ever asking. The condition can create a ‘shutdown’ situation where it is physically impossible for the person to do something. An example could be the need to simply reach out and pick up their phone to make a call. The person inside is struggling to reach out to the phone, but the chemical reactions in the brain resulting from their fear of rejection can physically stop them from doing it. Someone with RSD could have tears running down their face as they try to fight their body to make a call. It either results in them giving up or collapsing from exhaustion. [Coping mechanism – Get someone else to make the call / ask ]
In extreme cases, RSD can result in suicide. The problem that RSD has on the brain is, unlike a normal person where a rejection may have a temporary effect that develops over a period, in an RSD person the effect is instant and uncontrollable. The brain is suddenly and quickly overwhelmed with a rush of chemicals stimulating a number of centers that result in instant shutdown of thought. The RSD person goes into an almost catatonic state, gasping for breath and may even faint, or immediately start crying. (Yes, adults!) Bare in mind that behind this instant and surprising emotional breakdown is a human being struggling to deal with their body embarrassing and betraying them in public, and you can understand why they’ll be filled with dread at the potential for this reaction.
RSD is a known symptom of Attention Deficit Disorder and Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. You can find a lot more detail in Psychiatrist William Dodson’s post here: How ADHD Ignites Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
Hypersensory and Hypersensitivity examples of people with ADD and ADHD
This post is focused on a particular condition that is detectable via an MRI scan. This is a neurological and genetic condition. ADHD. Large imaging study confirms differences in several brain regions
RSD is connected to the general hypersensoric and hypersensitive abilities of someone with ADHD. Here are some examples:
- Stronger sense of smell
- Wider range of hearing
- Increased sensitivity to certain textures to the point of nausea
- Increased sensitivity to alcohol, and other drugs
- Being able to ‘read’ the emotion of a crowd before even walking into the group
- Distinguishing between a wider range of colours
- Ability to taste the individual ingredients in some food and drink
- Crying at the slightest emotionally charged scene in TV and movies, even in cartoons
- Reacting physically to loud noises, arguments, rejections, insults and more
A great post appeared on Quora recently in reply to the question If you have ADD/ADHD, do you find that you’re over sensitive?
This is my comment to that poster’s answer:
Great answer, and filled in some gaps for me. Long comment follows!
While I haven’t gone for an official diagnosis of ADHD, some of my counselor friends have told me on several occasions ‘probably!’ I have the exact same hypersensitive symptoms, and it has been a struggle to cope with for over 40 years. So, yes to annoying humming TVs, sounds others can’t hear (can we turn that fluorescent light off?) and crying in animated movies. Wall-E and Finding Nemo, for e.gs. Can’t stand touching corduroy or rough tightly spun carpet as well as other types of material, without shaking.
I also have an extreme sense of smell which means it is almost impossible to concentrate in a room of people that have recently eaten something spicy, or haven’t washed properly, are just back from the gym, or even wear some strong perfume / cologne. (Edit: Can cause a psychosomatically-induced response such as asthma or difficulty breathing.) Walking through a recently fertilized garden is a no no, or even one with a lot of flowers out, and holding my breath in lifts is common. Things that can leave me winded, gasping or faint is anyone who has had garlic recently, or have kept their clothes in naphthalene-filled cupboards (moth balls.)
Listening to music is difficult, as I can easily distinguish between all the instruments involved, so I have trouble merging the disparate sounds into a harmony. Gives me too much of a headache. Electronic music where the sounds are more blended is less headache-inducing. Even so, I find silence to be better.
My coping strategy was to develop a taste for good wine and quality coffee. Complex alcoholic drinks to reduce sensitivity (to just about anything really) and to satisfy my craving for multiple taste sensations. Coffee to improve executive functioning, so I can do things that normal people take for granted, like being able to work out what is a priority. (Edit: Coffee has yet to be proven to improve executive functioning, but it is a fatigue-blocker, which can help with prolonged focus.)
Thanks again for your post. It has really helped.
My Coping Strategies for RSD
I’ve recently been advised that while coffee is a good way of helping remained focused, green tea is better for managing emotional responses. In this sense, drinking a huge amount of green tea a day will increase the ability to manage sudden and overwhelming emotional responses to rejection more effectively. However, as I would prefer to remain more focused, coffee is good as a hunger blocker, and green tea has the disadvantage of increasing toilet visits, so I’ll need to alternate. Perhaps morning coffee, lunchtime tea and evening wine to manage things more effectively. It’s a lot cheaper than buying specific drugs, with a lot less side effects.
Mentally, I have employed much of what is listed here: How to Cope if You Have Rejection Sensitivity
Habits I have formed include:
Never answering a phone
If I let the message go to voice mail and check it later, it gives me time to think about how I will need to respond. If no message is left, it will give me time to investigate the number that called me (if it’s not in my contacts) If it is a silent number, and no message was left, then it was probably a sales call and I can ignore it.
Waiting some time to answer a comment / post / tweet
Even in the most innocuous of places I may sometimes get what I perceive to be a negative comment. If I wait a few hours before replying it’ll give me time to calm down, recover, formulate an appropriate response and reply in a considered and caring way that is not at all confrontational.
Waiting some time to answer an email.
If I’ve received a disturbing email then I will write a reply and save it in drafts. This gives me time to calm down. I might even wait a day or two before I read my draft again then reedit it to be more thoughtful and caring.
Avoiding physical, in-person confrontations
People-pleasing is my go to habit. So, I avoid any conversation that may result in one of us getting upset. I also do my best to be unbiased in accepting all religions, all cultures, all customs and every possible behaviour of any person, seeing from their side of the story. Guaranteed to be the first with Stockholm Syndrome. Never going to be the one to be the deciding vote on a jury.
Unfortunately, it means that by accepting everyone and everything, managing a debate with more than one person at the same time is a nightmare. “Of course, you’re right. I didn’t think of that,” is a useful sentence for me, and I use it often. If I see I’ve misjudged a conversation I might back pedal and say ‘Oh, I’m just playing devil’s advocate.” It’s much easier to avoid these kind of conversations in the first place, otherwise I might have to accept several weeks of regret at failing to make the person in the conversation happy.
Avoiding social situations that might put me in a difficult financial position
As I like to say ‘yes’ to help someone in need (knight in shining armour syndrome!), social situations can be a nightmare, and in a business situation, wanting to be paid what I am worth is a challenge. I live in a multicultural society where half the population has a background in bargaining. So, as I moonlight as a private ESL tutor, I frequently find myself being asked for discounts. Over the years, as much as it hurts me, I have begun to say no. Now that I know what the result is – the person will not continue lessons if I won’t give them a discount – I actually find this a better situation, as I’d rather not teach anyone asking me for one.
I also find that I’m invited out to many parties and drinking nights and restaurants. As I prefer to drink something of quality rather than jugs of cheap beer, I can’t join the drinks round and I have learnt to say that up front, preferring to pay for my own. As my overall financial situation is not that good, and I am invited to joint food sharing gatherings at restaurants, it’s best to either say ‘no’ or say I’ll come if meals are separate and I’ll only pay for what I eat. If I have made this clear at the start, there won’t be any problems at the end where my spend was $20 but the average share spend is $40 and I might end up simply paying $40 because it is easier to accept it, rather than argue about it. Of course, I’ve only learnt this recently, and have many debts as a result of saying yes to things that have cost me more than I had budgeted for.
Avoiding situations where I need to ask for a favour in return, or accept a favour and then need to reciprocate
I also have friends that want to help me when I’m in a difficult situation. It is best that I turn them down straight away, rather than, at some point in the future, having to repay that social debt and not being able to, and having to say no and be rejected. In this sense, I rarely ask people for any kind of help, and have always found a way to help myself. Or, if I need help from someone, then I make a financial payment deal so that we are square when the situation is over. I much prefer the gig economy rather than asking my friends for free. That way the deal is over quickly and it is something I don’t have to stress about at some point in the future. In this sense, I owe no favours and expect never to have any favours returned. Also, when I meet someone for the first time and want to make them feel welcome, and expect that I may not see them again in the future, I might buy them a drink and say ‘no returns!’ That way I’m not looking out for that returned drink at some point.
In that sense, while my life might be a bit better off if I was to ask for new start allowance from Centrelink, there is far too much I would need to do in return for that to be worthwhile. Way too much stress. I’d probably end up in hospital. I’d rather starve for a day and wait for my next student or next book payment than ask for hand outs from government or charity organisations. (If you found this blog post useful, please visit one of my sponsors! 🙂 )
Avoiding people that have taken advantage of me before so I don’t have to say no again and again
Also, if people can’t understand my way of thinking, and take too much advantage of my niceness and ‘yes, I’ll help attitude,’ and I suddenly realise that I’ve been used like a slave for far too long, I will simply cut them off with no chance of them ever contacting me again. Then move interstate, and probably drink a case of wine to forget they ever existed. My RSD means I’m physically incapable of speaking with someone who has wronged me in some way. I heard that there is now a system in Australia where when a family has been wronged by a criminal, they can face that criminal to find some closure. Sorry, I’d rather leave the country than ever face someone again who treated me badly. I would simply freeze up and be unable to speak.
Using automated systems where possible
Ordering online is great. The only downside is that it tends to be more expensive than going somewhere physically. Even so, I can reduce my people contact. Also, automatic checkouts at supermarkets are also good. No need for (perceived) strange looks from checkout operators at things I’m buying. Websites are great for research. Where I can’t order online and can’t use automatic checkouts, I can thoroughly research what I want so that I can walk into a store, zero in on the product I want, line up and pay for it, and walk out again within about 5 minutes.
Always having news on my phone to read when I’m in the lift, and playing Pokemon Go whenever I’m walking somewhere
I really fear getting in a lift with a talker. You know, those people who can’t stand the silence of a lift and want to make idle conversation. No thanks. So I always have my phone ready with the latest news and choose the far back corner of the lift to read it, where possible. Of course, in a crowded lift, that’s a bit more difficult, but still possible. Better than staring at your reflection in a lift mirror or trying to avoid the gaze of other lift users.
Always living in the city and looking like a local means I need to avoid constant requests from tourists for directions or photos. Not to mention the armies of clipboard carrying charity commission hunters, beggars and people wanting to convert me to their religion. I have trouble focusing at the best of times, and I don’t want to say no to all these people, so it’s best to pretend I didn’t notice them and to continue to keep walking. If I could enjoy music I’d have headphones surgically affixed to my ears, but I can’t focus with it so, it’s best to just look at my phone. I have also found sunglasses are sometimes another option if my phone is dead, but it doesn’t stop the tourists.
Hope this helps
So, these are some of my coping strategies. If you suffer from rejection sensitivity too, you might find them useful. The sheer overwhelming emotional responses that I have needed to cope with every day for almost 50 years has meant coming up with these habits. If you’re just starting out, perhaps some of them may be useful to you. However, I do recommend you see a counsellor or psychologist first as you may not have the severity I do, and may find better coping strategies for your level of sensitivity.